Top 10 Worst On Screen Couples
A recent British news publication took a poll and came up with a list of the Top 10 Worst On Screen couples. Since the list sucks (”Gigli”? Come on, too easy), we here at Top Socialite have come up with our own Top 10 List which we feel does a much better job of highlighting some of the worst cinematic chemistry in history.
10. Robin Williams and Mira Sorvino – The Final Cut
True, one could argue that Mira Sorvino peaked at “Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion”, but it’s hard to argue that she isn’t still an attractive individual. So what the fuck is she doing on a bed making out with Robin Williams? Not charming, physically-fit-thanks-to-pounds-of-blow, “Mork and Mindy” Robin Williams. We’re talking puffy in some places, saggy in the others, hairier than Sasquatch Robin Williams. In the film, their courtship consists of Williams visiting Sorvino’s bookstore—a gesture that seems to justify having sex with someone who closely resembles your father’s proctologist. The awkward relationship only serves as one of the head-scratching details that undoubtedly cast this movie forever into the Used DVD Bargain bin at Hollywood Video.
9. Julia Stiles and Heath Ledger – 10 Things I Hate About You
A dark and brooding, chain-smoking bad ass with a terribly masked Australian accent–If he went to my High School, Heath Ledger would have been the Third Base machine. Instead, I went to my high school, and I played lots of laser tag. So how the hell do you figure that out of all of the female populace at a high school (that was so clearly filmed at a college giant fucking high school, who knew?), Heath Ledger is going to choose the one girl whose face shows evidence of an unfortunate encounter with a shovel?!? I suppose it must be her winning personality…except she spends 96% of the movie being a bitch and the remaining 4% vomiting on Ledger’s shoes. In real life, while Stiles is tearfully reciting her deep poem about Love and Hate, Ledger would be deflowering the captain of the dance team in the boys’ room.
8. Jason Biggs and An Apple Pie – American Pie
In American Pie, we’re clearly led to believe that Jason Biggs has a heart of gold, and for all of the sex that he so desperately wants to have, he is a caring individual who wants to treat a girl right. Why then, would the screenwriters go so horribly against character and include a scene where Biggs coldly rapes a baked good? You can’t have your protagonist remorselessly sodomize a pie, and expect the audience to continue to root for him in his hapless quest to finger a Russian exchange student. A truer scene could have been written, in which Biggs takes the pie to the movies and attempts to fondle its apples, only to have his spot blown up by Stifler, who from then on refers to him as Tutti Frutti.
7. McCauley Culkin and Anna Chlumsky – My Girl
When you were 10 years old, you thought she was hot too. Admit it, you would have held Anna Chlumsky’s hand like there was no tomorrow. You would have spent the entire day pushing her into mud and dropping spiders down her overalls in thinly veiled flirtatiousness. That’s why it infuriated you that she chose to share her first kiss with the penultimate weiney, McCauley Culkin. This kid had absolutely zero going for him. He was the pity friend your Mom always told you to be nice to but you would try your damnedest to ditch. What is knockout babe like Anna Chlumsky doing crying over this kid’s bee sting-ridden body? You know why no one is buying this couple? Three words: My Girl 2. Chlumsky finally forgets the zero and gets with the hero—the much more fitting, athletic and almost related Austin O’Brien. Finally, the world makes sense again.
6. Aladdin and Princess Jasmine – Aladdin
Aladdin is a street-wise stud with a thieving monkey. Jasmine is an entitled bitch who thinks a clever disguise is sneaking out without her royal tiger. He falls for her because she has an impossibly small waist and she falls for him because he can juggle apples. That’s all well and good. What I don’t buy is why he continues to be infatuated with her even though she is so fucking dumb that she can’t realize that Aladdin and Prince Ali are the same person in different hats. She only starts to cave when he takes her for a ride on a magic carpet, fully illustrating her blatant materialism which should be an automatic turn-off to this Arabian incarnation of Robin Hood. Ariel would never pull that shit.
5. Tobe Maguire and Kirsten Dunst – Spiderman 3
Picture this: you are an awesome superhero who continues to make the world a better place, and keeps himself in damn good shape while doing it. There is a hot, blonde model who is vying for your attention. You are able to make a living wage by taking pictures of yourself and selling them to the local paper. Pretty sweet life, right? There’s only one thing missing…a girlfriend who clearly never wore her retainers as a kid and spends an entire movie complaining about how badly she is failing as an actress and all of her boyfriend’s success is compounding the levels of her own shittiness. What’s not to like??? Despite Dunst being a complete shrew for the whole film, Maguire insists on trying to propose to her. Why? I can only assume because he is contractually obligated to. Sadly, the climactic scene in which Spiderman cannot save Mary Jane from biting through her cheek with her wretched snaggled tooth and bleeding to death never happens, and we the audience, are continuously force fed this highly improbable romance.
4. Hillary Duff and Chad Michael Murray – A Cinderella Story
Remember when you were a freshman in high school, and your buddy Mark came over to play Nintendo, and you’re like, “Mark I’m gonna go get us some soda” and he’s like, “Rad!” and you go to the kitchen and grab some cans of Orange Crush and when you head back to the play room, Mark isn’t there so you look around for him and he’s nowhere in sight and then you go up to your little sister’s room, and Mark is sitting on her bed playing Barbies with her, telling her how pretty she is, and then you weren’t allowed to be friends with Mark anymore? That’s what this movie is. I mean, come on. How many pounds of pancake make-up did they have slather on Murray to hide his 5 o’clock shadow? We’re supposed to believe he’s got the hots for a girl who is clearly still having trouble with her multiplication tables? How come in the movies, if Chad Michael Murray acts this way, he’s the heart throb, but in real life if I try to do the same thing, all of a sudden Chris Hansen comes out from behind the house and tells me I’m on Dateline?
3. C-3PO and R2-D2 – Star Wars
A couple that is far less believable than Hayden Christiansen and Natalie Portman, these two robots would never have stayed together in real life. R2-D2 is smart, resourceful and good natured. C-3PO is a mincing, whiney useless mass, who loves to constantly point out the likelihood of his friends’ imminent death. Do you think in reality, R2-D2 would put up with that? Hell no. He would be down at Fiesta Cantina having margaritas with a droid named Mitch. C-3PO would probably walk in and start pitching a fit shouting, “R-2 you overweight glob of grease! How could you?!” and R2 would just sigh and beep something apologetic to Mitch while the bouncer forcibly removes C-3PO from the bar.
2. Naomi Watts and King Kong – King Kong
What begins as your average case of Stockholm Syndrome evolves into a strange and highly illogical fling between a young, Hollywood starlet and a giant fucking ape. There could be several details that would lend plausibility to this scenario. For instance, back then, young actresses couldn’t just drive over to Hyde Lounge and do coke off of Lindsay Lohan’s AA chip. The only way to get your kicks was to engage in bestiality with a primate that is 50 times your size. Also, the audience was never shown all of the efforts on Kong’s part to woo Ms. Watts, like the rumored “Banana Sharing Scene” that hit the cutting room floor. I think that it’s the simple fact of anatomical discrepancies that makes it hard for me to buy this relationship. Don’t you think that before Watts would even give Kong a second look, she would have to be thinking to herself, “That monkey’s penis is larger than my Model T. This just isn’t going to work.” I suppose those were just simpler times.
1. Al Gore and Planet Earth – An Inconvenient Truth
Al Gore claims he loves the earth—that he truly cares. But in this romantic comedy, all we’re shown is Gore being a domineering, blowhard who really treats Earth like an inferior. He keeps showing photos of Earth all dried up and falling apart, and talking about how bad things are with their relationship. You know the director’s cut includes a scene where Earth is crying in the bathroom, saying, “He’s just so mean sometimes. I wish he would just stop showing those statistics! I can defend myself!” and her friends are trying to console her, saying, “Forget him, he’s such a jerk. I don’t even know why you put up with him.” And how awkward is it for the audience watching Gore’s presentation? It’s like watching a couple drunkenly fight at a party. Everyone wants to leave, but no one can find the door. I really blame the casting in this case. Al Gore doesn’t have the emotional range to play a leading man, and let’s face it: the Earth is just too damn fat for us to believe she would have a boyfriend.
that’s probably the funniest thing I’ve read since I heard Alberto Gonzalez was resigning.
If I wasn’t too lazy to register for that Zorpia site, I’d totally vote!!
“10 Things” was shot at Stadium High School in Tacoma, WA
You’re right. That British publication’s list was stupid.
Your list is insipid, the rambling nonsense of someone with a grudge against the motioned movies, actors or politicians instead of the genuine concerns of a movie fan or even - dare I say - critic. It’s not that you go after some truly beloved films, that I have no problem with, but they certainly are not worthy of such scorn. They just aren’t (with the exception of Star Wars). Where is “Bedtime for Bonzo” – Ronald Reagan’s movie about his love affair with a chimp? How about “The Fly” – a movie without any doubt whatsoever that defies logic. And I guess that all those Woody Allen movies that couple him with a hot young nubile are just completely off your radar, huh? The most wishy-washy part of your list is your number one spot. It is eye-rollingly absurd, clearly the ignorant musings of some uninformed goon that has jumped on the right-wing bandwagon that denies man-made pollution is harmful to our surroundings. Congratulations on being a tool for the oil industry! You can make it as childishly “comical” all you like, it still comes across as… well… retarded! This list is a waste of cyberspace.