Conversations with Celebrities: Jake Gyllenhaal

Written by Ty

So there were pictures taken of Jake at one of my favorite restaurant/cheese shops, Joans on Third. This led me to imagine the conversation that would take place if I ever ran into him there.

Ty: “OMG! JAKE!”
Jake: “Uh, hi. who are you?”
Ty: “I’m Ty! I can’t believe you eat here too!”
Jake: “Yeah, it’s uh, pretty good food. Look i gotta-”
Ty: “I looooooove Joans! They have, like, the best cheese selection ever!”
Jake: “Ya, so I’ve heard. But I reall-”
Ty: “Do you want to get cheese with me sometime?”
Jake: “Excuse me?”
Ty: “You, me, a wedge of brie… It’ll be like that horrible Owen Wilson movie, except it won’t be boring and awful and it will end with us making out!”
Jake: “No thanks”
Ty: “But you don’t understand! We are meant to be together! We both love cheese hate Kirsten Dunst! Also I used to really like Reese Witherspoon, and you are totally boning her! It’s like we’re the same person. I’ll just follow you to your house.”
Jake: “Please leave”
Ty: “I LOOOOVE YOU!!!!!!! and cheese. BUT MOSTLY YOU!!!”
Jake: “Look, I’ll give you $5 to leave.”
Ty: “Deal.”

Hung jury mistrial in Phil Spector murder case

Written by David

A mistrial was declared Wednesday in the murder case against Phil Spector when the jury reported that it could not reach a verdict on whether he killed actress Lana Clarkson.

The jury foreman told the Judge the split was 10-2.

I guess it does pay to be a celebrity in a high profile case. Cue the book deals and TV shows.

Heidi Montag is Shallower than a Kiddie Pool

Written by Ty

Heidi Montag admitted today that she had plastic surgery. Which was surprising to absolutely no one with a working pair of eyeballs, but she went on to explain her excitement the day of her surgery,

“I woke up, and it was like Christmas: I was a nervous wreck, but I was just so excited at the same time. Spencer said, “I’m so proud of you.” It was like he was wishing me well off to school: “Love you! Bye!” But surgery is a very big deal. Right before I went in, I was like, What if I don’t wake up? Oh, this is scary. Then I thought, I don’t care. If I don’t wake up, it’s worth it. I just wanted it so badly.”

I’m really glad that everything went smoothly and she didn’t die in the hospital. If there’s anything I hate more than a cadaver with a big nose, it’s a cadaver with a big nose AND small tits. Just because you can’t see yourself anymore doesn’t mean you get a free pass to fugly town, I mean, have some courtesy dead people.

JLO is a Lying Liar

Written by Ty

Jennifer Lopez recently told US Weekly that the rumors about her pregnancy are not true,

“I don’t mind when people talk about this. I get the interest. I’m not the only [celeb] who gets these rumors. Everyone calls about this every month . . . but, no.”

Well if I was JLo and I was getting that fat, I would lie and tell everyone it was twins. Then after 9 months when everyone is wondering where the babies are, I would tell them that Marc Anthony ate them for sustenance. What?? I know it seems bad, but I’d much rather have everyone thinking my husband eats babies then thinking I’m FAT! I mean, I live in Hollywood, people!

Sarah Silverman Talks About Her Britney Spears Jokes

Written by David

It’s easy to forget, but Britney Spears wasn’t the only person who struggled at the MTV Video Music Awards. Sarah Silverman also bombed pretty spectacularly.

There was actually a time I thought Silverman was pretty funny (her turn in The Aristocrats stole the entire movie), but she’s really a one trick pony. Once you get past the cute smiling girl saying incredibly depraved things there’s not a whole lot else going on.

One of the rumors that came out of the VMA’s concerned Britney’s temporary refusal to go on stage when she realized that Silverman planned on talking about her kids. Silverman didn’t see what the big deal was:

“The joke that everyone was upset about - me calling the kids `adorable mistakes’ - was the most innocuous joke,” the 36-year-old comedian tells Us Weekly magazine in the issue that comes out Friday. “It never occurred to me that would be deemed hurtful or over the line.”

Says Silverman: “I don’t want to get into feuds with girls half my age. I’m in it to be funny and not for the drama. It’s embarrassing.”
…
“They are the most adorable mistakes you will ever see,” Silverman said of Sean Preston, 2, and Jayden James, 1.

Silverman also joked that Spears, at 25, had already accomplished in her life everything she ever will.

Looking pretty good there for being twice Britney’s age. What’s that make her, 50? It’s cute what she’s trying to do there, with the insinuation that her maturity level is above it all.

Honestly, at this point I think we’d all be better off just forgetting the 2007 VMA’s ever happened. What a trainwreck that was.

Elton John In Trouble With Child Porn Police

Written by David

Elton John has run into some trouble with child porn authorities due to a photograph he owned being displayed in an art show at the Baltic Centre for Contemporary Art. The picture is by Nan Goldin, a controversial photographer known for taking pictures of junkie couples, AIDS victims, drag queens and other subjects in her New York apartment.

The entire thing frankly smacks of a witch hunt (ha!) by English police looking for someone famous of whom they can make an example. Because, let’s be brutally honest, even if Elton John was into kiddie porn (which I’m doubting) it’s not as if he’d be collecting pictures of girls eh?

Mariah Carey Employs Someone Just To Deal With Her Boobs

Written by David

In the least surprising news you will probably hear today, Mariah Carey employs someone specifically to deal with taping down her boobs:

The Hero singer attended the VH1 Save the Music Foundation 10th Anniversary Gala in New York with an entourage of nine people, including a helper to ensure her ample boobs remain covered up at all times.

A source told the New York Daily News newspaper: “One assistant was in charge of dishing out breast tape, another wore a belt with brushes and hair spray and another one had portable heated rollers.
…
“As she made her way around the party her entourage marched in front, holding back other guests who included John Mayer and Jon Bon Jovi and shouted, ‘Get out of the way! Mariah’s coming!’.”

Ha.

The assistant is apparently pretty good at what she does, I mean have you ever googled around looking for a Mariah Carey nipple slip? Yeah, I mean neither have I. Not much out there though. From what I’ve heard. Ahem.

George Clooney’s New Girlfriend Sarah Larson Was A Cocktail Waitress

Written by David

George Clooney’s new girlfriend used to be a cocktail waitress. What cracks me up about this is the Daily Mail acting like her past is “haunting her life”.

I guarantee people have exactly one criteria for which Clooney’s girlfriend will be judged (and I’m talking judged by male or female here, there’s not much difference), and that criteria is her level of hotness.

Plus her former career as a cocktail waitress isn’t half as embarrassing as her appearance on Fear Factor. If she has anything to be ashamed of, it’s that.

Daily Link Roundup Including The Most Expensive “Affordable” T-Shirt You’ve Ever Seen

Written by David

• An ad agency has created a campaign for a rehab facility that has a “Don’t Die Lindsay” screaming headline. Pop Crunch
• Dita Von Teese is promoting animal birth control. Fits, I guess. PopBytes
• Courtney Love looks like Skeletor. Hollywood Back Wash
• Britney Spears is a big fan of the wider stall. Drunken Stepfather
• Tom Cruise is building a $10 million bunker for the coming invasion from Xenu. dlisted
• Ashley Olson is a little confused as to what time of year it is. Anorexics can’t handle the cold from what I hear. Celebrity Cowboy
• Margaret Cho is a bit of a nut. Bumpshack
• A stripper sold those De La Hoya pictures and only managed $70k out of them. Bitten and Bound
• Sarah Jessica Parker’s feet look to be about 80 years old. Celebslam
• And finally, the Olsen twins have launched an “affordable” clothing line featuring $90 t-shirts and $550 dresses. I don’t think that word means what they think it means. Ace Showbiz

You Mean True Love Isn’t Found In Primetime?

Written by Ty

I know everybody, just please relax. This is a sad day. Charlie O’Conell and Sarah Brice from “The Bachelor” have broken up. I KNOW! The absurdity of this whole notion is just out of control. I mean, they met on a reality show, she beat out 25 other women in wacky challenges or whatever it is that they do to get picked on that show. There is just no way I saw this coming! Sarah told In Touch Weekly,

“I definitely thought I’d spend the rest of my life with him — I think we both did — but there were some things between us that we couldn’t resolve.”

Like, the fact that you’re both just fame whores looking for your 15 minutes and as soon as the cameras were off you realized that you have nothing in common except for your transparent desire to be on TV? Huh? Who said that?

« Go Back — More Celebrity Gossip »

The 15 Worst Celebrity Plastic Surgery Disasters

57 Celebrities Without Makeup

The Twenty Hottest Women Of The 90’s

Beauties With Big Brains