Orlando Bloom is Innocent

Written by Ty

TMZ reports today that Orlando Bloom will not be charged with a hit and run for the accident he caused a couple of weeks ago. Remember? The one where he hit a tree and then ran away from it? Ya, that one. Since he was not under the influence of drugs or alcohol,* the accident is being blamed on the swarms of paparazzi that were surrounding him. Even though it was those same paps who told him to go back to his car so he wouldn’t be arrested.

*No tests were actually taken to determine whether or not he was sober at the time, because that kind of irrefutable evidence is waste of time. Time that could be spent asking Orlando Bloom questions about the Lord of the Rings movies. Because Hollywood is to justice and ethics as Britney Spears is to self-control and a 5th grade education.

That was some SAT shit right there! I feel the smartliest.

Misinterpreted Photo of the Day

Written by Ty

Actually, I don’t really think this one is misinterpreted. I think Cybill Shepard is for reals picking her nose. Celebrities, when will you learn? It’s OK when I pick my nose in public because no one is trying to take pictures of me, but it is NOT OK when you pick your nose in public because even if it doesn’t seem like anyone is paying attention to you, we’re all sneakily whispering about you and how badly you’ve let yourself go over in the corner where you can’t see us. Photos of you knuckle deep in nose gold aren’t going to help your big comeback career. Knuckle deep in something else and we’ll talk, but your nose? Not a chance.

Jin From Lost: ARRESTED!

Written by Ty

Another cast-off arrested! Daniel Dae Kim (Jin-Soo Kwon), was arrested at 3am on Thursday morning for DUI, reports The Honoulu Advertiser.

Daniel is the fourth “Lost” cast member to be arrested, joining the likes of Michelle Rodriguez (Ana-Lucia Cortez), Cynthia Watros (Libby), and Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje (Mr. Eko). So weird, right? The other three were pretty worthless characters to begin with, so I didn’t much care if they were locked away for all of eternity, but Jin?! He is so starting to grow on me! I mean, he’s no Charlie or Sawyer, but he’s still fairly entertaining. OK, fairly is too strong of a word. He is marginally entertaining. OK- maybe not. But he still gets them all fish, and without fish they’d have to survive on the meat of Hurley, and while it might last them until 2015, eating the same thing every night is bound to get boring.

Portia and Ellen Splitting Up

Written by Ty

Aww! I just made a joke about Portia and Ellen yesterday and now they are splitting up! Star Magazine reports that their 3 year relationship is coming to an end because Portia hasn’t been happy and she is possibly looking for someone less… old. A source says,

“Portia has been telling Ellen she’s very unhappy at home. When it comes down to it, she wants to be with someone younger ad hotter. She wants out, but Ellen has been begging her to stay. Portia is really everything in this world to her.”

Hm, perhaps this is the reason why Ellen has been acting all wonky lately. She’s not sad about losing that dog, she’s sad about losing that pussy. Still, crying on TV and giving the world another reason to think women are always on their periods is quite a set back to our people. Now I have to chug a six pack of PBR to get my street cred back. And PBR makes me gassy, so thanks a lot, Ellen.

The Ten Best Weird Al Yankovic Videos Of All Time

Written by David

Tuesday was Weird Al Yankovic’s 48th birthday, and in honor of that blessed day the staff here at Top Socialite spent entirely too much time on You Tube watching Weird Al videos. It’s impossible to really rank Yankovic’s videos, as each one is pretty damn genius, but we enjoy making lists so much it sometimes keeps us up at night, so we decided to rank our top ten favorite Weird Al music videos. We are on the younger side so it’s probably a little heavy on the newer Weird Al stuff, but we tried to also show some love for the classics. Here are our ten favorite Weird Al videos of all time:
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Misinterpreted Photo of the Day

Written by Ty

Here’s what confuses me; it’s Jessica Biel getting her ass grabbed by another woman. Should be totally hot, right? But it’s not. It’s creepy… like we’re witnessing something that we weren’t supposed to see but instead of being voyeuristic and sexy, it’s weird and wrong. It might be because they are at a football game, or maybe the almost-mullets, or perhaps it’s that 5/6 of this picture is taken up by their massive shoulder blades, but images of trucker hats and birkenstocks come to mind and since I prefer my lesbians to be more Portia and less Ellen this just isn’t going to work for me.

Peter Jackson Thinks Ryan Gosling is Fat

Written by Ty

Just days before shooting was scheduled to begin for Peter Jackson’s big screen adaptation of “Lovely Bones”, lead actor Ryan Gosling, was replaced with Mark Walberg. Details about the “creative differences” that lead to this sudden swap are starting to surface. According to the LA Times, Jackson was disappointed with Gosling’s physical appearance, citing specifically, the extra 20+ lbs that Ryan gained to make himself appear older.

I know Peter Jackson has lost a lot of weight recently, but still… images of pots and kettles and perhaps other pieces of cookware come swarming into my brain… hmm. So weird. Oh well.

Halle Berry is a Nazi

Written by Ty

Last night on Jay Leno, Halle Berry made a comment about a distorted picture of herself with a big nose, calling the image in the photo her “Jewish cousin”. Apparently at the taping no one laughed and Jay Leno responded with “I’m glad you said it, not me”. When they aired the segment they removed the word “Jewish” and added a laugh track. Halle apologized about the incident, saying,

“I so didn’t mean to offend anybody - and after the show I realized it could be seen as offensive, so I asked Jay to take it out, and he did. What happened was I was backstage before the show and I have three girls who are Jewish who work for me. We were going through pictures to see which ones looked silly, and one of my Jewish friends said [of the big-nose picture], ‘That could be your Jewish cousin!’ And I guess it was fresh in my mind, and it just came out of my mouth. But I didn’t mean to offend anybody. I didn’t. I didn’t mean any harm.

So on top of insulting the Jews, she’s stealing their jokes. It’s like the holocaust all over again. I mean the concentration camps were one thing, but remember when the SS Generals were all stealing their Sunday night stand up material from Joe Rogan? Oh wait, that was Carlos Mencia, not the Nazis. Germans, Mexicans… people that pretend to be Mexicans, I can’t keep them all straight. It’s like a word jumble of inappropriate punch lines up here and sometimes I just unscramble the wrong ones.

Jake and Reese Snog in Airports

Written by Ty

BOO! So just when it seemed like Jake and Reese were totally done-zo, they were seen holding hands and smooching at LAX yesterday.
Reasons why this sucks:
1. Greasy Reesey is going to taint him with her wicked ways.
2. When is Jake going to have time to buy me expensive presents and take me to nice dinners when is busy being in a relationship with Reese Witherspoon?
3. At least when he was dating Kirsten Dunst I still had a chance.

Let’s just call this a sad attempt at a promotional stunt to help a movie that is failing miserably. And yes I understand the hypocrisy of loving someone whom I am completely convinced is gay, but at least if he likes the men-folk then I won’t feel as bad when he doesn’t return my (borderline creepy) affection.

Dumbledore is Gay

Written by Ty

At a recent Carnegie Hall Q&A, J. K. Rowling revealed to fans that Professor Dumbledore is gay. Like Clay Aiken tapping Jake Gyllenhaal’s foot in a public restroom, gay. J.K went on to address the surprisingly positive feedback saying,

“If I had known this would have made you this happy, I would have announced it years ago… You needed something to keep you going for the next 10 years! …Oh, my god, the fan fiction now, eh?”

Uh, Gross.
Old ladies shouldn’t even know what fan fiction is, let alone insinuate that our beloved headmaster will be having loads of elicit affairs with underage wizards in the back room of the Leaky Cauldron using spells that inevitably end with the words ‘erectus’ or ‘engorgio’. It’s just wrong. And hot. But mostly wrong.

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