Shocking Tales of Hollywood!
3 guys are coming forth saying that they were in the car the night Lindsay tried to kill everyone in Santa Monica. Here is there story the way I see it happening:
Dante Nigro, Jakon Sutter and Ronnie Blake who are apparently friends with the boyfriend of Lindsay’s former assistant’s cousin’s ex-best friend’s hairdresser or something, all went to a party together to have fun. BUT EVERYTHING WAS NOT FUN!! Lindsay got into a fight with her assistant and her assistant got pissy and stormed off like a 13 year old fat girl at a school dance. So the three guys were like “uh, we’re peacing out” but Lindsay was all “NOT SO FAST!” And then she jumped into their car and took off. One of the guys was like “eek!” and leaped out of the way, but he was too late and Lindsay ran over his foot. Crying and bloody, he still got in the car anyway and the four of them headed off to kill and eat* Lindsay’s assistant.
Dante claims that they got on the PCH and Lindsay was doing 100 mph, prompting him to grab the wheel but Lindsay was all “If you touch me I’ll sue you!” And since he’s seen what Lindsay’s lawyers are capable of, he backed the fuck off. Then they caught up with the assistant and started driving circles around her car!! Like, donuts and shit! The guys were like “Waaaa! We’re going to get in trouble!” But then Lindsay’s eyes turned red and her head turned all the way around and she was like, “I can’t get in trouble. I’m a celebrity. I can do whatever the fuck I want!” Which was most certainly followed by evil cartoon villain laughter.
Somewhere during the exorcism scene they managed to lose the assistant and decided instead to head toward the assistant’s mother’s house, where she would most certainly be headed since there she is protected under the magical law until she turned 17. Or was that Harry Potter? Both stories are equally ridiculous, I get confused. Anyhoo- so they’re on their way to the mother’s house when they meet Mrs. Assistant ever so conveniently pulling into the driveway. The mother was like “who the hell is tearing into my driveway like a drunk Lindsay Lohan??” And drove her ass back out before she was run down. Lindsay undoubtedly shook her fist out the driver’s side window as she tore after the mom, chasing her all the way to Santa Monica where she then realized that the mother was leading her right to the police station!! FOILED!! Lindsay was all “I’m not gonna fall for THAT again!” and pulled into a parking lot next to the station where police officers showed up immediately. In an attempt to save her skin and also promote the white-agenda, Lindsay told police officers “I wasn’t driving. The black kid was driving.” Then Lindsay failed the sobriety test when she took off her clothes and told the officers that they could stick their miranda rights up her parent trap, and was arrested on the scene.
*This is just speculation. I know Lindsay wouldn’t eat a human being. That shit’s got maaad calories, yo.
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3 Responses to “Shocking Tales of Hollywood!”
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHA that was classic
Holy shit, publish that shit in a novel. That is too funny.
[…] heard of. It really is the Disney version of getting arrested in Hollywood. Lindsay Lohan tries to run over a woman while coked out, Nicole Richie drives the wrong way down the 134 because she’s high as a kite, and Shia […]