The Family with Fecal Matter in the Eye Together, Stays Together?
Sources have tipped off TMZ that the entire Spears family has Pink Eye (also known as Conjunctivitis, also known as having poo in your eyeball). The source is citing this malady as the reason for K-Fed’s awesome, pirate eye patch at a recent court hearing.
Now to explain the events that led to both Spears, Federline AND their two kids having Pink Eye, I think I’ve reconstructed the scenario pretty accurately:
9:30 AM - Spears arrives at Federline’s Van Nuys studio apartment for her first visitation with the kids.
9:32 AM - Upon seeing Spears’ revealing outfit, Federline questions if Spears is, “Fer Real?” and comments on her halter top being “straight sloppity doppity.”
9:33 AM - Spears’ dog, London, while cradled in her arms relieves himself on said halter top.
9:33 AM - Frustrated, Spears removes the soiled garment and in the absence of a maid hands it to Sean Preston and Jayden, instructing them to “Throw Momma’s poopy shirt into the wash, y’all.”
9:33 AM - Spears attempts to wipe her hands clean of residual dog feces on Federline’s signed and numbered “Scarface” tapestry, thus angering Federline.
9:34 AM - A fight ensues, during which Spears slaps Federline multiple times, as she was prone to do during their short marriage.
9:37 AM - After a court supervisor breaks up the sparring couple, Spears, still topless, snatches up London and her soiled shirt and proclaims, “It smells like shit up in here! We’re going to Starbucks.”
9:39 AM - An incensed Federline declares, “This why she ain’t gettin’ no all-access parenting pass, yo!” He proceeds to prepare two Chicken Nugget Kid Cuisine frozen meals for the childrens’ breakfast. He fails to wash his hands.
what an amazing headline. i laughed for a good 5 mins on that one